Before the Throne of-Are you Kidding me?
by LadyPorpoise
Summary: The story of Beren and Luthien is a tragic story of love. True love, love at first sight...Luthien made a Vala sleep before her, and she was "so" special enough to make a cold figure feel pity for her and her alone, even if Namo has heard a lot more tragic and garbage endings than her weepy song. This is what actually happened in Mandos... (shameless making fun of the story.)


_A/N This...I would say poking at the story a lot more than I normally would, because I have some strong opinions about the tale of Beren and Luthien. Mainly due to how since being in a role play group have seen how...corny it is sort of? Grant it it didn't help that two people ruined our image of them...So yes, my perception has been changed drastically, and no disrespect intended to the Professor himself and those who enjoy the tale._

_This is coming from someone who unashamedly role played Luthien as that snobbish high school girl, made Maglor beat Sauron instead of her at Tol Sirion, had Maedhros tell Luthien in a big brother/parent like way that she was going back to Thingol whether she liked it or not, because Beren died in the pits and she and Finrod were taken to Angband. Luthien was grounded inside the Thousand Caves for a hundred years. Oh how making a full parody would be entertaining..._

_Also: Luthien was literally going to go to Taur-in-Gaurhoth alone if she didn't come across Celegorm and Curufin by chance. Ok, doom, but...uh, she didn't really think about that too much._

* * *

Before the throne of Mandos Lúthien sang the most beautiful song ever heard among the children of Eru. She wept at the feet of the Vala, pleading for her last wish to be given, to see Beren again. And Námo was moved to…

Well, that is what the books want you to know. Right?

Funny how things can get "lost in translation"…

Indeed, Lúthien sang a beautiful song in Mandos, she pleaded for Beren's life and gave her sad tale. And yes, she moved many wandering souls to pity and compassion. She kept her head low to the ground in appeasement, hoping beyond hope that she had won over the stoic and supposed uncompassionate being.

"Get. Up."

How wrong she was.

Lúthien was confused and afraid, and she obeyed the command. Námo stared at her with the most unimpressed face anyone could pull off.

"Do you take me for a fool?" Námo asked immediately. "Do you _really_ believe I have _not_ heard a thousand variations of your story already?"

"Uhm…no?" Lúthien replied uncertainly. This was not supposed to happen. She charmed Morgoth to her whim, why not this one?

"Really," Námo frowned heavily. "Really, child. You are standing before the keeper of the _dead_, who has heard the cries of many souls before you, with more tragic endings. You expect me to simply cave in to your demands, when I know many more who deserve their wishes granted instead of you, because you sing a pretty song?!"

An angry Námo was not a good thing. Rumor has it that only Lúthien managed to piss the Vala off so. Not even Fëanor could bring the Doomsman to that level. Frustration yes, but not anger.

The daughter of Melian and Thingol was not sure where she went wrong, being so confident in her abilities. She felt bitter and pouted in her fear.

"I will have you know that any who come to my halls by giving up or taking their life is _not_ received with the same kindness as those who come here by death or old age." Námo continued with an uncharacteristical hiss. "And why did you die? While elves yet die of heartbreak when their spouse dies, you were not bound to Beren through marriage to be given that excuse."

Lúthien's face went deep red in embarrassment.

"Oh for the-" Námo was exasperated. "Shame on you!"

"Why? My father and mother fell in love at first sight! Why can I not have the same kind of experience?" Lúthien challenged.

Elves who were watching this scene became scared and fled the area. It was not uncommon for elves to challenge the authority of the Doomsman, but while he was mad? One should not want to be around for that.

"Their relationship did not turn out to be like yours." Námo glared. "I also believe in their integrity and valuing other things to not simply quit on life like you did."

"But true love!"

Námo heaved out a drawn-out sigh. "You are truly naïve, girl. But prove to me why I should allow you this wish. How are you more deserving than everyone else here?"

There Lúthien became baffled, and she hated it. She stomped her foot. "Because-Because-Because I could face Morgoth with no problem, and that I am your kin!"

Námo's face turned from wrath to deadpanning. "Morgoth is rather pathetic in this era of time, so it would not be surprising. And you think you have a strong will; I have met with stronger ones."

Fëanor stood in the corner watching with vague amusement, taking pleasure in the woman being ripped apart. Being stuck in Mandos for eternity lacked forms of entertainment.

"And being half Ainu does not give you special privilege." Námo continued. "Your only reason is true love. Finwë and Míriel had a more tragic ending…"

Lúthien made a whiny noise as she could not deny it.

Again, the Vala expressed anger. "You are a naïve, overconfident, self-reliant girl, who thinks she can-" He stopped abruptly, hearing something he alone could hear.

Lúthien became confused.

Námo appeared a bit sulky, even conceding a bit. The Vala returned to glaring at the half-elf. "Just to keep you occupied."

Beren appeared in a wormhole and fell onto the floor. Lúthien squeed in joy and the two lovers…hugged and kissed while Námo went to Manwë.

Only the council part was real. It was actually Manwë that called Námo to him instead of Námo going to Manwë. The Elder-King received a divine message from the All-Father that Beren and Luthien were vital to the Song and how it played out. When it was explained to Námo, the Doomsman was gobsmacked.

"Why cannot Dior be Lúthien's brother…?" Námo questioned in a dazed state.

"Because their great-grandsons would be too overpowered for the story," Manwë answered.

Námo was disappointed. "His will be done," he said quietly and manifested into Mandos.

The Vala needed to wash his eyes when he kicked these two strange people out of his Halls. "Alright…You are both needed in the world of the living, All-Father only knows _why_." Námo glanced at them both. "You are both willing to leave."

"Well yes!" They said simultaneously, annoyed.

"Then get out!"

In a beam of light, the maid and mortal were taken back to their bodies in Doriath. Námo rubbed the space between his eyes.

"So if I sing how much I love my silmarils…" Fëanor started.

Námo straightened up immediately. Fëanor was a better singer than Maglor. Maybe better than Lúthien. But he was not going to find out. "Go to your room."

* * *

Manwë and Námo were not surprised that Lúthien and Beren twisted up the encounter to the elves. Typical of them to make themselves more fabulous than they actually are, as Lúthien put herself on the pedestal of a goddess. Manwë felt immense sorrow and pity for the Doomsman, and Námo was very upset by his name being further ruined and distorted, by being labeled as being so cold and uncaring _all the time_.

"I am not that mean. Truth hurts, but I am doing it for their own good!" Námo cried. "I only want to help them be purified!"

"I know," Manwë soothed. "You care and are more compassionate toward the children than they give you credit for."

"What have I done wrong? All-father, help me…"

Manwë made a face as Námo started spontaneously bleeding from the forehead. Again. "Who is it that is beating you with their words this time."

"Fëanor. Who else?" Námo sounded weary. "The elf takes more out of you more than anyone…"

And thus, is the tale of Beren and Lúthien. But who knows, maybe this is also a lost in translation account.

No one will ever know.

* * *

_A/N Morgoth's Ring mentions the treatment of spirits who commit suicide or quit on life in general: they aren't received that well. And with that in mind, and a whole lot of other things...Why would Namo just be "Ok you sang a song I'll work with it," when he has dealt with more tragic cases. Heck, if you follow one version: wouldn't Amrod being burned in the ships by FEANOR be more tragic than Luthien? But of course Amrod could have gotten the get out of jail free card like Finrod and went back to Nerdanel immediately...but probably wouldn't work out that way._

_Luthien pretty sure was the one who said to Beren "Let's just elope." Uhm..._

_And this is me trying to smoosh my canon with the actual writing, and I admit it doesn't always fit...Namo, you are still a nice person, even if people think you are awful. You are just doing your job and it's painful. I understand... *pats head*_

_Ignoring my rants, I hope you enjoyed what is meant to be a parody anyway._

_Fun note: The "more fabulous" line was suggested by Grammarly...I had to use it._


End file.
